Childhood Friends | Growing up and letting go.

I love watching my 5-year-old make friends. It’s so easy for him. He can just walk up to other kids at the park and start playing with them. I watch him observe them from a distance for some time, evaluating their play, deciding if he’s interested and if he is, he joins. If there is a conversation, it’s about their favourite things and what they like doing. If their interests are the same, then BAM, they’re friends.

And as an adult, it gets more complicated, are you married, do you have kids, if so, what age, what are your political views … it’s like an interview.

Bastien & Kali with friends in Colonia Agua Azul, Puerto Vallarta Mexico, 2024

Childhood Friends

Despite all the rigorous process of onboarding a new friend as an adult, I still have “friends” from childhood.

They passed the childhood test from 30 years ago of liking barbies and riding bikes and were just grandfathered into the friend position through the teens, early 20s and to full-blown adulthood.

Adults often brag about these types of friendships. I know I did. “Oh, we’ve been friends for 30-plus years; I’ve known her forever.”

But in reality, do I really know them? Do they really know me? Or were we all holding on to a childhood version of each other ? A version that we would revert back to in each other’s company for both of our comforts.

I would sometimes think to myself, would we be friends if I met this person now? Would I even like her? Honestly, in most cases the answer was no.
Maybe, I’d think she was nice but not someone I’d really want to hang out with or open up to.

We don’t have much in common other than our shared childhoods.

But we hold on.

We see each other a few times a year, share the cliff notes of our lives, rehash old memories. But nothing too deep. I’ve started to wonder why the conversation don’t go deeper.

The answer is glaringly simple. We only have memories. We stopped having new experiences with each other years ago. Not to say we stopped having new experiences individually; I know I’ve had many new experiences as an adult, just not with them.

And, at some point, for whatever reason, we stopped running to each other with problems or good news. Likely because we had new people for that, partners or other friends.

But, we still bless each other with the label of “best-friend”.

All that got me thinking about why we don’t break up with friends. When I was a child, friend breakups were actually a thing. We didn’t call it that, but it wasn’t uncommon for kids to declare they were no longer someone’s friend. They’d even say it publicly, making it the talk of the playground for an afternoon. Of course, the poor child on the receiving end would be devested but generally moved on and replaced their ex-friend within the day.

As brutal as it sounds, it was efficient. It allowed both parties to move on and make new friends.

So why did we stop it?

Perhaps it’s because it would be awkward, uncomfortable or mean to do such a thing. Maybe we value friendships more as adults because we understand how difficult meeting friends and growing friendships can be. Or maybe it’s just easier to avoid the confrontation.

Imagine if, instead of holding each other to former versions of ourselves and old titles, we allowed the relationship to age gracefully and evolve into something new. Just like ourselves.

Growing up

As I mentioned, I have many of these childhood or adolescent friendships. Over the years, we’ve all experienced change. I’m proud that I’ve changed and happy they have too. Change is a welcomed part of life; to me, it signifies growth. Sometimes we grow apart and that’s ok.

When it comes to friendships, the key is in awareness and acceptance that the relationship is not what it used to be. It’s beautiful to have people in your life who knew you as a child and share your memories and history.

But what happens when the change is too severe or not accepted?

If you’ve read any of my previous posts, you’re aware of the big changes in my life over the past year. I’ve left my job, packed my family up and relocated to a new country.

The past year also brought the end of a few relationships. In some cases, there was conflict, and words were said that can’t be taken back. In others, the silence told me all I needed to know.

It was a heartbreaking and eye-opening experience. The most unsettling part was that I wasn’t sure when the relationships ended. I would’ve traded places with the little kid whose friend just announced the end of their friendship to the whole playground. Still a difficult thing to hear but, at least clear.

Letting go

I took time to mourn these relationships; some were easier to move on from than others. One in particular, I realized, was over years before, and we both probably didn’t realize or want to admit it. While others still sting when I think of them.

The mourning turned into reflection, and I realized that the ending of these friendships was brought about by me stepping into my true self, confidently and unapologetically sharing my opinions, and advocating for myself and my family.

I eventually began to accept that part of shedding my skin and growing into my true self was losing pieces that no longer serve or fit me, making room for new people, opportunities and experiences. It was all part of the growing pains.

I also accepted that in their opinion, they too were advocating for themselves and their family.

Despite how things ended, what was said (or not said). I am grateful to these old friends. I am thankful for the memories and experiences we made and shared and the times we leaned on each other. They were good friends to me at one time. I wish them success and happiness and will continue to route for them in life.

Moving on

They say you’re the sum of the 5 people you spend the most time with. And for that reason you should choose your friends wisely.

When I look at my circle of friends now, the past year all makes sense. We are connected not by memories but by our current journeys of self-discovery, improvement and healing. The conversations are deep, and despite not knowing each other as long, we seem to understand each other.

I believe people come into your life for a reason. The friends who stood by me through the change or those I met along the way are in my life to help me through this stage. I suppose I am also in their life for a similar reason. They’ve made me realize that having friends that believe in your future is just as important as having friends that know your past.

-written by Kathleen